Finally More Exploring!

I have been reeling with disappointment about my lack of understanding of what raising a baby was supposed to be like.  I felt like this past month that I haven't been living.  All I've been doing is attached to a very cute baby and that I'm just an utter that is constantly on.  I have been stuck in a bed or on a couch just trying to nurse her asleep for almost 12 hours every night hoping that I can sneak away for long enough to get a shower and pack my bags for the next day.  But, this is life.  This weekend was living, even if it only lasts a short while. I have no problem spending half of every day in bed as long as there is still brunch, bonfires, and play dates every now and then.  

Baby girl is nearing 6 months, and for all but two weekends, I have been basically petrified of going out alone with her.  Lily is not a chill baby.  She has demanded almost constant nursing, attention, entertainment, and/or holding from the moment we brought her home. We are usually happy to give it, because in exchange, she has been the sweetest baby with the biggest smiles.  I love her so very much.  However, until this past weekend, there were very few times we felt we could bring Lily along "to the party" (i.e. any gathering) or where I have gone some place with her alone.  Her and I have almost always been accompanied by an extra set of hands.  On top of that, for the past two months, baby girl has not been happy at all when we've tried to get the company to come to us.  I have no idea how people who don't have a live-in grandma and a daddy do it.  I suppose it's adapt or die.

There are times when I have flash backs to my meltdown at Babies R Us a few months ago.  It was one of the few times I tried to go anywhere by myself with Lily.  I had even forgotten my wallet.  Sean had to come find and rescue me.  I was a mess.

And that was before she hit this most recent "wonder week". Excuse me, but they should have called them wonder MONTHS.  Each "week" is FOUR weeks long.  I think she's coming out of this wonder month a whole new baby.  This was the leap of relationships in which she is starting to learn the relationship between two objects.  For example, something goes in something else (which is too cool) and mommy is now getting farther away from me (which is the most horrible thing ever).  Baby girl is about to figure out that she is one little person in a very big world who can't get anywhere on her own.

On Saturday, we walked down to the parade, we went to a play date with other babies her age, and, we went to a birthday bonfire for one of our friends.  Then Sunday, Lily and I were out all day by ourselves, which is something that has never happened!  We went to brunch together, I had a chiropractor appointment, we went to pick up some secondhand clothes from another DC mom looking to part with them, we went out to the birth center to have a play date with Auntie Cortney, and then, we went to the store before heading home.

To top it all off, this morning, I had to go to the DMV to change over my tags and a whole lot of other stuff.  Lily was a rockstar.  She was so interested in the people.  She was very aware that it was a new place that she hadn't been before. We had to stand in line for 40 minutes to get a number before I could check her diaper or feed her, and she was the most chill baby.

Lily at the parade!

Playdate with Auntie Cortney!

Brunch with Mommy!

Labor As An Initiation

People have often asked me if it is weird feeling her move around inside of me.  Not at all.  Movements aren't often felt until after the sixteenth week, so I spent four months waiting to feel kicks and punches, so it's been comforting.  Beyond the moments where she has punched me just a little too hard or jammed her little feetsies into my ribs, every movement just sprouts feelings of love for her and appreciation for the incredible process of growing a child in the womb.  I cannot tell you where in the world my stomach ended up, as there's a baby where that used to be housed.  When I breathe from my diaphragm, it's obvious that I have no idea where that went either.  This little girl that will come into this world with her own spirit started out as just a few cells.  She grew a new brain, new kidneys, a new heart, new lungs, and the code written from the stars into her genes has already started to express her personality.  It hasn't even really started, and yet, it's already been an incredible journey for us both.

In the Bradley student workbook, Jay Hathaway, the Co-Executive Director of the American Academy of Husband-Coached Childbirth, asked why not just give birth?  Why do women go through labor?  Hathaway mused on what labor is:

1. A warning sign that a new human life is about to enter the family, community, and this world.
2. A time of physical preparation within and for the mother's body.  
1. To prepare to give birth.
2. To prepare to become a mother.
3.  A physical preparation for the baby's body for being born, changing from an intrauterine life to an extraunterine life.
4. A period of time to assist the mother to grow and change psychologically (emotionally and mentally) for giving up the status of "pregnant woman" and for accepting the responsibilities of mothering a newborn.
5. A period of time to assist the baby to grow and change psychologically (emotionally and mentally) for the "first day of the rest of his or her life."

This really struck me.  Labor is a period of time to assist the mother to grow and change psychologically (emotionally and mentally).  Long story short, labor is an initiation.  It is a physical, emotional, and mental initiation of the maiden into motherhood.  It is a physical, emotional, and mental initiation of the child from fetus to newborn.  Just as many spiritual traditions guide people through initiations from students to members, labor is a transformation.  It is an experience that no one can fully prepare you for.  You just have to experience it yourself.  There is this club called motherhood, and one way to be initiated into that club is to grow from seed and harvest something the size of a squash out of your who-ha.  And, from what I hear (because I haven't been initiated into motherhood just yet), there is this transformation that could be described as a form of enlightenment.  It's been said to me several times on this journey that after this big ordeal of labor, in the moment new mothers connect with their newborns, they realize that the most important thing is their child and their family.  They refocus their priorities, and suddenly the things that seemed so important don't really matter. 

And, because of all of this, maybe it is a spiritual initiation for some.  For me, I do see this birth as a very spiritual experience.  Like all women, I am a manifestation of the feminine divine, which can be seen as the Maiden, Mother, and Crone, mirroring three phases of a woman's life.  By having a natural birth, I am reenacting an ancient tradition, an ancient initiation of maidens into mothers.