No Regrets

Scrapbook from labor and delivery.

It's almost 5am and I have been sitting here pumping and scrapbooking since the little bean let me get out of bed at 1:23am.  The 7 minutes before 1:30am make a difference, because some nights, those are the only 7 minutes that I get to be up and out of the bed.  I've taken nearly a thousand pictures since I got pregnant, and I need to get a move on this memory-preserving.  I would have more done, but Lily does not like it when I don't pay attention to her while she's nursing.  Instead of a desk with a computer in the new office, I wanted a scrapbooking corner where I can just leave out all of my stuff and work a few minutes at a time.  On average, it takes an hour to create a page.  I don't have an hour.  I usually have 3 minutes.

I try to live a life of no regrets.  There is no point in regretting anything unless you want to change your own actions.  It is productive to regret what you did, but unproductive to regret someone else's actions.  If you did your best, there's no point in regretting what happens next.  You can't change the outcome.  Tonight, I am scrapbooking Lily's birth day.  When it comes to Lily's birth day, I regret nothing about the way I handled my labor.  I want to say our labor, because Lily and I did it together.   It was 36 hours, I was throwing up a shit-ton, but we were rock stars. 

There are times when I have these nagging regrets about other things involving the day she was born.  Because I thought he was a crazy person, Sean wasn't at her birth.  In fact, I made sure he didn't know I was in labor because I didn't want to risk him showing up and stressing me out.  I watch him with her now, I see the pictures of the day she was born, and I wish that he could have been there.  But, there are no pictures of Daddy on that day.  Instead, there are pictures of my close friends holding Lily after I was whisked away in an ambulance to the hospital.  I didn't understand how he could have chosen to not see her every day of her life.   I will never regret giving Sean the opportunity to be here every day. Things have been really incredible between us these last 5.5 months.  I wound up with a husband more incredible than the one that I married.  A loving, supportive, attentive partner who has done whatever I've asked, whatever I needed but didn't ask, and whatever was best for us.  Though unintentional, there have been several marriage tests that have come up, and we've passed with flying colors.  The way he interacts with Lily is incredible.  My mom, Sean, and I each have our different relationship with her, and it's apparent that she is in love with him and he is utterly in love with her. 

There are times where I regret not being able to be a stay at home mom.  That was our plan, but having to pay for two houses for half a year changes things.  And, stress eating organic, grass-fed burgers and milkshakes does that, too.  But, I refuse to regret the $15 grass-fed filets I ate for most of last summer.  Omega-3 fatty acids, baby.  If Lily is smart, I will credit the steaks.  But, the ridiculous pumping and the fact that I haven't been home to be her nipple or be there for her is something that often nags at me.  And, right now, the money is good and we get to do so many things we couldn't do without the money.  And, she's getting to develop an incredible relationship with my mom, something I know that they both will be so thankful for.  

That reminds me, I need to write another letter to my mom's mom and tell her about all of the wonderful memories I have of us.  I don't think she knows.

Because I decided to give Sean the opportunity to right what was so wrong, most of the friends present at Lily's birth are not my friends anymore.  These were people who we called Lily's grandma and uncle throughout my pregnancy even though they had no blood or legal relationship to us.  The biggest regret I have is that they are not here to watch her grow up.  I don't understand how they could have been okay with not seeing her for this long, let alone the rest of their lives.  When printing pictures for the scrapbook, I asked myself if I should print out their photos. I decided that I should, because my feelings about the situation don't change what actually happened.  That things smoothed over between Sean and I despite all odds, how could I assume that these people were out of our lives for good?  So, I look at them holding my baby, the look on Lily's face and her little fingers and toes, and wonder if they will ever come around to see her again.  I hope that it won't be too long, because she's growing so fast.  She's going to be walking and crawling soon.

And, when I feel this feeling of regret, I try to let it go, because I did my best.  I am not the one who made the decision to not be a part of this wonderful experience of her birth or her growing up.  I just try to make decisions that are in Lily's best interest.  I talk about the challenges of being a mother, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I remember my loneliest days as a bacheolorette just wishing for a family.  Lily is more amazing than I would have ever known.