Daddy Gets The Last Laugh

 

The night before Father's Day, Daddy and Lily danced.

That morning, Daddy awoke to gifts from me and Lily. His favorite pictures are the ones of all of us, so I had them put them on a mug and on a onesie for Lily to wear.  The onsie didn't come out as well as expected.  The mug was awesome!

We went out to a local restaurant for dinner.  We played catch on the table and Lily tried to eat everything.  The napkins, the menu, the food, us.  Yes, Daddy put a shirt on.  This to Mommy's dissatisfaction.

Then, Daddy made her laugh right up until she fell asleep a very happy baby.  A very happy Father's Day.

This Year: Happy Father's Day!

us at the Hyattsville Mom's Summer Picnic last weekend

This Father's Day, I get to celebrate Lily's relationship with her father. It is an amazing turn of events from last year.

I see the way he looks at her.  Or, better yet, the way she looks at him.  I see the way they play together.  The way he makes her laugh.  The way he almost never forgets what I need at the store now.  The way he is always willing to jump up and take care of my every whim and need, because I am taking care of the baby.  The way he finds new ways to share the responsibility when he knows I need it.

One day last week, I was having a bad day, and he said "I'll go get you a pizza, if that will help make it better."  He was sharing giggles with her not long after (when Miss Lily Bean should have been sleeping), so that I could have a few minutes to myself.  Finally.  Here is a man who would leave early on a work trip just so that I could invite my friends over one weekend who might not otherwise come over if he were home.  Instead, he left on Monday, so that he could take is daughter to her first baby dance and then hopefully spend the morning with me at work.

I could ask him for anything right now, and he would go and do it, because that is what you do when your wife is a permanent boob.

Every week, I am presented with situations (like the examples above) that make me shake my head and say to myself, "They were wrong.  They were so wrong."   Since deciding to reconnect with my husband seven months ago, I have lost a lot of friends.  I had just cut ties with some people completely, because they failed to approach the situation with maturity, becoming very angry and disrespectful.  I have had to try to figure out where I stand with a few other folks, as people I thought were my friends held me at a distance, no longer responding to emails or keeping me at the end of a ten-foot pole.  I wanted to make sure that years didn't pass and Lily grow up without these people in her life just because they needed time to see this change as something positive. Time, I was most certainly willing to give it to people who needed it.  Alas, it was time to realize that those people who held me at a distance were no longer my friends either.   Some of the people I considered my best friends will have never met Lily.  It makes me sad, but they are within their rights to choose.

The expectation by most of my friends was that under no circumstances (i.e. if presented with evidence that he was not a sociopath as thought) should I ever reconnect with the father of my baby.  Many of my friends felt that I owed it to them to not give Lily's dad a chance to be her father should he come forward and make an effort to right the wrongs.  I did not owe it to people to let them decide for Lily how involved her father was going to be in her life.  That is my decision until Lily can make it for herself, and my decision alone.

How could people who cared for the well being of my daughter really want her to live a life without her father, should he actually be a good person?  How could people who cared for me wish that I would stay a single mother despite evidence that he actually might have just been going through some traumatic crap that could genuinely be sorted through with time and in therapy? I understand more than any of my former friends the trauma Lily and I both went through.  I was there.  I also read dozens of books about personality disorders while trying to figure out what happened.  I know my husband is genuine.

What I did owe them was my continued participation in the religious communities that I built.  I showed up week after week and month after month, even though I did not want to.  I owed them my friendship.  I owed them my time.  I owed them my love.  I owed them a place in Lily's life.  I owed them to to be happy.  I owed them my resources and support when they needed it.  All of which I was making sure to provide.

They were so wrong to expect me to forbid him this opportunity to shine as a husband and father.  I am very sorry that they are missing out.

So, for this Father's Day, Lily and I got the best gift.  We got the most awesome Daddy in the world.  Sure, it wasn't a perfect journey, but it was ours.  And, we're better people for it in the end.

No Regrets

Scrapbook from labor and delivery.

It's almost 5am and I have been sitting here pumping and scrapbooking since the little bean let me get out of bed at 1:23am.  The 7 minutes before 1:30am make a difference, because some nights, those are the only 7 minutes that I get to be up and out of the bed.  I've taken nearly a thousand pictures since I got pregnant, and I need to get a move on this memory-preserving.  I would have more done, but Lily does not like it when I don't pay attention to her while she's nursing.  Instead of a desk with a computer in the new office, I wanted a scrapbooking corner where I can just leave out all of my stuff and work a few minutes at a time.  On average, it takes an hour to create a page.  I don't have an hour.  I usually have 3 minutes.

I try to live a life of no regrets.  There is no point in regretting anything unless you want to change your own actions.  It is productive to regret what you did, but unproductive to regret someone else's actions.  If you did your best, there's no point in regretting what happens next.  You can't change the outcome.  Tonight, I am scrapbooking Lily's birth day.  When it comes to Lily's birth day, I regret nothing about the way I handled my labor.  I want to say our labor, because Lily and I did it together.   It was 36 hours, I was throwing up a shit-ton, but we were rock stars. 

There are times when I have these nagging regrets about other things involving the day she was born.  Because I thought he was a crazy person, Sean wasn't at her birth.  In fact, I made sure he didn't know I was in labor because I didn't want to risk him showing up and stressing me out.  I watch him with her now, I see the pictures of the day she was born, and I wish that he could have been there.  But, there are no pictures of Daddy on that day.  Instead, there are pictures of my close friends holding Lily after I was whisked away in an ambulance to the hospital.  I didn't understand how he could have chosen to not see her every day of her life.   I will never regret giving Sean the opportunity to be here every day. Things have been really incredible between us these last 5.5 months.  I wound up with a husband more incredible than the one that I married.  A loving, supportive, attentive partner who has done whatever I've asked, whatever I needed but didn't ask, and whatever was best for us.  Though unintentional, there have been several marriage tests that have come up, and we've passed with flying colors.  The way he interacts with Lily is incredible.  My mom, Sean, and I each have our different relationship with her, and it's apparent that she is in love with him and he is utterly in love with her. 

There are times where I regret not being able to be a stay at home mom.  That was our plan, but having to pay for two houses for half a year changes things.  And, stress eating organic, grass-fed burgers and milkshakes does that, too.  But, I refuse to regret the $15 grass-fed filets I ate for most of last summer.  Omega-3 fatty acids, baby.  If Lily is smart, I will credit the steaks.  But, the ridiculous pumping and the fact that I haven't been home to be her nipple or be there for her is something that often nags at me.  And, right now, the money is good and we get to do so many things we couldn't do without the money.  And, she's getting to develop an incredible relationship with my mom, something I know that they both will be so thankful for.  

That reminds me, I need to write another letter to my mom's mom and tell her about all of the wonderful memories I have of us.  I don't think she knows.

Because I decided to give Sean the opportunity to right what was so wrong, most of the friends present at Lily's birth are not my friends anymore.  These were people who we called Lily's grandma and uncle throughout my pregnancy even though they had no blood or legal relationship to us.  The biggest regret I have is that they are not here to watch her grow up.  I don't understand how they could have been okay with not seeing her for this long, let alone the rest of their lives.  When printing pictures for the scrapbook, I asked myself if I should print out their photos. I decided that I should, because my feelings about the situation don't change what actually happened.  That things smoothed over between Sean and I despite all odds, how could I assume that these people were out of our lives for good?  So, I look at them holding my baby, the look on Lily's face and her little fingers and toes, and wonder if they will ever come around to see her again.  I hope that it won't be too long, because she's growing so fast.  She's going to be walking and crawling soon.

And, when I feel this feeling of regret, I try to let it go, because I did my best.  I am not the one who made the decision to not be a part of this wonderful experience of her birth or her growing up.  I just try to make decisions that are in Lily's best interest.  I talk about the challenges of being a mother, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I remember my loneliest days as a bacheolorette just wishing for a family.  Lily is more amazing than I would have ever known. 

Hello, Daddy

So, I wrote before about some of the trials and tribulations in our relationship that caused our split during my pregnancy.  Well, Daddy figured out what was going on and fixed it.  Instead of being a crazy person, Daddy turned out to be a real person with some issues to work through.  It's a long story, and if you run into us, we'll tell you all about it.  Things have been super great, and Lily loves her daddy very much.  I have been a lucky mama to have my wonderful husband back.

At the Verizon store.  Bean was not in a good mood.

She is putting our fingers in her mouth!

Lily foot and Daddy hand

She is seriously starting to take up the whole bed.

Hello!

Making mommy dinner

Getting ready for a walk.

Making Mommy breakfast!

Oh, that's a big yawn for such a little Bean!

Surprise attack!