I want a picture of this moment

Does she know that we love her?  I am pretty sure that she does by the way she giggles, the way she lights up when she sees us, and the way she loves to be held close.  And, I know that she'll be sure of it when she sees the thousands of pictures we've taken in her first months alone.  Yet, there are still some moments that escape the camera.  Some of them happen so quickly and are so fleeting that is impossible to even reach for the camera before they are over.  As of late, this is when she sets her head on my chest to cuddle so warmly.  Some of these moments happen in the dark of the night during a time that is too fragile to disturb.  Like her beautiful face as she sleeps peacefully.  I will burn them to the hard disc of my memory, hanging on to these memories the most.

Last night, she woke up while I was nearing the end of one of my guilty pleasures: watching TV by myself.  I crawled into bed with them.  Daddy had started singing to baby girl, because I took an extra 30 seconds to pee before running up.  I usually have all of about 3 seconds to get up the stairs from the moment she first stirs before it's the worst thing that ever happened.  She nursed for a little and then rolled over towards Daddy.  I thought I had gotten lucky and she'd just pass back out.  That is, until she started to stir again.  I hoped that I didn't fully wake her by making my short pit stop.  After all, it was a necessity.

All of a sudden, a little hand reached up and landed on Daddy's arm.  She was touching him on purpose.  Her hand just rested there so sweetly.  I stared at them in the dark, wishing that I could take a picture of this moment.  But, that would ruin the moment and everyone's sleep.  She spent the good bit of the next 10 minutes rolling back and forth between nursing next to me and stroking Daddy's arm while he slept.  She finally decided that she wanted to keep nursing, so she reached behind her with her little arm to see if she could both nurse with Mommy and touch Daddy at the same time.  She could not, but she left that arm out there reaching for him as she drifted to sleep.

Yes, she knows we love her. And she loves us, too.

This Is 30

When I was 17, I couldn't imagine life past high school graduation.  I was sure I wouldn't make it to 18.  There didn't seem to be anything in between Twenty and Forty.  There was just this seemingly vast void of lameness that everyone dreaded to hit. That, my friends, is Thirty. 

Thirty is finished with building something and more focused on enjoying the moment.  It has stopped giving to strangers and reserved special love, attention, and kindness for a select few.  Thirty is realizing that you don't have to say that you're sorry for being who you are.  It's letting go of relationships that don't give as well as take.  Thirty is speaking up when a stranger touches your baby in public or cuts in line at Starbucks. It's spending entirely too much money at Starbucks now that we're not pregnant, but then again, that was Twenty as well.  

Thirty knows it can't trust the stereotypes of people, that we have no idea of someone's story. That we don't know the finality of relationships until we are dead. That people will surprise us. Thirty also knows that sometimes the stereotypes are right and we have to listen to our gut.

Thirty is about looking in a mirror after having a baby and trying to find the twenty-something again, yet not caring that she's gone.  Yet, hoping she might make an appearance one day soon, for old times sake. Thirty is wondering if it's possible that we'll be lame parents, because our music is still going to be awesome in twenty years, and people will still say awesome.

Thirty is the way my heart melts when my baby smiles or as she peacefully falls asleep.  It is the cascade of incredible feelings the first time she hugs me in her existence in this life after waking up from a baby nightmare.  Thirty is the mommy brain that is not knowing when the last time you showered was, not remembering how you got to work today, and not being able to remember everything you need at the store. Thirty has 3am dance parties. Thirty reads too many books about babies and parenting.  It wonders how the bleep could anyone have done this baby thing at Twenty, because I'm flying by the seat of my pants at Thirty.

Thirty realizes that we don't have time to plan for guests. They can deal with our state of being when they arrive.  My brother is coming tomorrow from out of town and Thirty is not caring that my underwear is under the middle bathroom bench. 

Thirty is realizing most jobs are probably a dead end. That is might not be worth it to move forward.  Thirty can't decide whether or not to work hard or not give a shit. It confuses coworkers. It confuses me. Thirty knows failure, but isn't sure whether to try again with more pain or to not want for more.  Thirty isn't sure whether she wants to lean in or sit tight.

Thirty is spending money on things that feel good, like organic ice cream and too much wine.  It's too many pieces of the best pizza.  It's planning vacations to incredible places instead of dreaming them. Thirty is starting to plan for the future after the planning to get a job so that we could plan for the future. Thirty is more about the we than the I.  It's about struggling to find a little time for myself in a wonderful, gleeful see of us.   

Thirty is realizing that your parents have changed and you are more and less like them than you thought.  It is realizing some truths of your childhood and seeing behind the mirror.  Thirty is realizing that even though you could change things about yourself, you just don't want to, whereas Twenty was more about not seeing anything wrong with yourself.  Thirty is knowing when to take responsibility and owning up when it's your fault.  Thirty is about saying the hell with what anyone thinks about you.

Thirty is telling yourself to shut the hell up when you daydream about some other life you could have.  It knows that for so long not too long ago you daydreamed of being here.  Thirty knows the grass is not greener.  The grass is plenty green here.  Thirty is about knowing that you best years are ahead of you.  That this is only the beginning.  It finally realized that no matter how hard you wanted to project into the future, you could have no idea that you'd end up all of a sudden married to your best friend, loose everything, get it all back, and wind up in a house in a place you swore you'd never live (Maryland) while listening to music you swore you'd never listen to (country).  Thirty is realizing the secret to happiness is just being content with where you are now.  That even happy people are sad from time to time. Thirty isn't the home stretch, but it sure is a sunny stroll.

Why Being A Mom Is Aweome

My favorite part of the day is coming home to wrap my arms around this baby.  She doesn't even wait for a kiss; she just wants to nurse to sleep.  She is so sweet as she falls asleep.  The way she stares off into nothing as her eyes slowly close.  We curl up together in the bed and she's out (for a few minutes, at least).  

Lily has the biggest smile.  And, her laugh is so intense.  Oh, that face.  That face!  The way her face lights up when she's happy.  She's often happy.  Lots of things bring her joy.  She loves to dance.  She loves to sing.  She loves to see cars.  When she sees you again after not seeing you for a bit, she gives the biggest smile.  She might fuss while trying to fall asleep, but then she'll stand up in the breeze of the fan, and her face just explodes with smiles.  She's also often laughing when she's really trying to be upset.  The ma-ma-ma-ma sounds like heaven.  Right up there with the da-da-da-da.

This girl has jokes.  She loves to play peek a boo.  She loves the thrill of a good scare.  And, she loves to play "gotcha."  She will wait until you are minding your own business.  Maybe you're just standing there.  Maybe you are walking away.  Maybe you're trying to feed her a small bite.  Or, maybe you're changing her diaper.  But, she will grab your arm, hand, or leg and start laughing in this "smart-ass" laugh.

Even though she is intense in the sense that she needs a lot more from us than other babies, we feel like we get a lot back.  That she's not just intense-bad, but she's also hella intense-good.

She's Just A Little Monkey

I read a recent post about toddlers who all over the place, and one mom commented that her whole view of her daughter changed when she realized that she's just a little monkey, that she can't help but run around.  And, that's true of Lily now.  She's up, down, all around.  I would get frustrated because she wouldn't want to just nurse anymore.  Nursing involves flips and rolls.  But, when I read that "she's just a little monkey", I realized that I needed to embrace our little acrobat.  Now, I let her flop all over the place, and she gets herself even more tired before a nap.  Win.

First Dance

Mini Bop was advertised as a lo-fi, family-oriented dancy party/disco up.  The intended audience was 6 months to 10 years.  It was located at the Old Parish House in College Park, which looked to be a great venue for parties or small events.  I still have trouble seeing a great event space and not thinking about the events I could be producing there.  Hmmm.  Must. Stop. Event. Planning.

We got Lily all dressed up to cut loose.  This girl loves to dance!  Okay, maybe she was a little sleepy...

dancing with a friend's toddler

taking a break with daddy

8 Month Photo Bomb

Lily is 8 months old today!!!  This is a snapshot of what has happened in the last month:

Daddy Gets The Last Laugh

 

The night before Father's Day, Daddy and Lily danced.

That morning, Daddy awoke to gifts from me and Lily. His favorite pictures are the ones of all of us, so I had them put them on a mug and on a onesie for Lily to wear.  The onsie didn't come out as well as expected.  The mug was awesome!

We went out to a local restaurant for dinner.  We played catch on the table and Lily tried to eat everything.  The napkins, the menu, the food, us.  Yes, Daddy put a shirt on.  This to Mommy's dissatisfaction.

Then, Daddy made her laugh right up until she fell asleep a very happy baby.  A very happy Father's Day.

This Year: Happy Father's Day!

us at the Hyattsville Mom's Summer Picnic last weekend

This Father's Day, I get to celebrate Lily's relationship with her father. It is an amazing turn of events from last year.

I see the way he looks at her.  Or, better yet, the way she looks at him.  I see the way they play together.  The way he makes her laugh.  The way he almost never forgets what I need at the store now.  The way he is always willing to jump up and take care of my every whim and need, because I am taking care of the baby.  The way he finds new ways to share the responsibility when he knows I need it.

One day last week, I was having a bad day, and he said "I'll go get you a pizza, if that will help make it better."  He was sharing giggles with her not long after (when Miss Lily Bean should have been sleeping), so that I could have a few minutes to myself.  Finally.  Here is a man who would leave early on a work trip just so that I could invite my friends over one weekend who might not otherwise come over if he were home.  Instead, he left on Monday, so that he could take is daughter to her first baby dance and then hopefully spend the morning with me at work.

I could ask him for anything right now, and he would go and do it, because that is what you do when your wife is a permanent boob.

Every week, I am presented with situations (like the examples above) that make me shake my head and say to myself, "They were wrong.  They were so wrong."   Since deciding to reconnect with my husband seven months ago, I have lost a lot of friends.  I had just cut ties with some people completely, because they failed to approach the situation with maturity, becoming very angry and disrespectful.  I have had to try to figure out where I stand with a few other folks, as people I thought were my friends held me at a distance, no longer responding to emails or keeping me at the end of a ten-foot pole.  I wanted to make sure that years didn't pass and Lily grow up without these people in her life just because they needed time to see this change as something positive. Time, I was most certainly willing to give it to people who needed it.  Alas, it was time to realize that those people who held me at a distance were no longer my friends either.   Some of the people I considered my best friends will have never met Lily.  It makes me sad, but they are within their rights to choose.

The expectation by most of my friends was that under no circumstances (i.e. if presented with evidence that he was not a sociopath as thought) should I ever reconnect with the father of my baby.  Many of my friends felt that I owed it to them to not give Lily's dad a chance to be her father should he come forward and make an effort to right the wrongs.  I did not owe it to people to let them decide for Lily how involved her father was going to be in her life.  That is my decision until Lily can make it for herself, and my decision alone.

How could people who cared for the well being of my daughter really want her to live a life without her father, should he actually be a good person?  How could people who cared for me wish that I would stay a single mother despite evidence that he actually might have just been going through some traumatic crap that could genuinely be sorted through with time and in therapy? I understand more than any of my former friends the trauma Lily and I both went through.  I was there.  I also read dozens of books about personality disorders while trying to figure out what happened.  I know my husband is genuine.

What I did owe them was my continued participation in the religious communities that I built.  I showed up week after week and month after month, even though I did not want to.  I owed them my friendship.  I owed them my time.  I owed them my love.  I owed them a place in Lily's life.  I owed them to to be happy.  I owed them my resources and support when they needed it.  All of which I was making sure to provide.

They were so wrong to expect me to forbid him this opportunity to shine as a husband and father.  I am very sorry that they are missing out.

So, for this Father's Day, Lily and I got the best gift.  We got the most awesome Daddy in the world.  Sure, it wasn't a perfect journey, but it was ours.  And, we're better people for it in the end.

First Mother's Day

Me, my mom, and Lily on Mother's Day

 Late reflections on Mother's Day here.  When I think about the fact that I am now a mom, that label doesn't feel real yet. Not anymore than "superhero" or "billionaire" does. But, from books and play dates to avocado in her hair and endless giggles, I hit this mom-thing full force. Everything I read or see is now done through a mommy lens. I even switched from reading Cosmo magazine at the gym to hunting for an issue of Parenting.

This past Mother's Day, determined to not get stuck waiting for a table, we gathered around and had take out dinner with my mom. We wanted it to be quality time.  We then webcammed with Sean's mom. We kept talking about how we want to send photos to Sean's family, but even the smallest things are week-long projects now. I finally printed the pictures last week that we wanted to send for Mother's Day. Maybe we could send a package for Father's Day at this point. If we miss that, there is always the Fourth of July. Maybe Halloween.

Seven Months Old

When I returned to work six months ago, one of the other pumping moms had a little boy who was five months old.  At that time, Lily was just 5 weeks old.  I couldn't imagine life with a 5 month old baby.  I was thinking about those early feelings the other day, how I tried to imagine how different life would be with a 5 month old.  She was so experienced.  I couldn't wait to be an experienced mom with an older baby.  And now, Lily is going to be 7 months old in a few days!  I didn't ever think that we'd get this far so quickly.  It seemed like this was an unattainable moment.  And, I imagined that it would be so different from the actuality of our life today.  I still feel inexperienced. You can't plan for what life is really going to be like, because you're missing an ingredient: the personality of your baby.  You cannot possibly know who this person is going to be.

In our case, Lily is a ball of energy.  She loves walking and shopping.  She is constantly laughing and smiling.  She loves new noises.  The rustling of a plastic bag used to scare her, but now she loves it.  Grandma's nails tapping on the door elicits the best giggle.  She loves to eat anything and everything put in front of her.  Specifically, she loves to feed herself.  Avocado is her favorite food.  She loves to meet new people, but she doesn't really like to be held by strangers.  She loves playing with toys on the tray of her walker, but hasn't quite figured out how to walk in it.  She unintentionally scoots herself this way and that.  Her favorite song is the ABC's, and she loves to be sung to.  Sometimes, we start singing and she swoons like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert.  Oh gawd, she loves her daddy.  As soon as she sees him, it's time to play, and they spend the next 10 minutes playing a mix of hide and seek, "Where's the baby?", and "I'm gonna get you!".  When there's nothing else to do, we turn on the music and dance for the rest of the morning.  At the end of a long, hard day of playing and learning, she loves to just curl up next to me and nurse to sleep.  She is generally a light sleeper and only sleeps short stretches before looking for a boob again.

I find that I have to give myself an attitude adjustment at times.  I had not realized that life would never be the same again, and anything I used to do before I got pregnant, I was probably never going to get to do again.  We would just love her so much that she would obviously just come with us and do whatever we do and be happy as a clam.  Yeah right.  Being such a short sleeper, I am often laying with her for 10-12 hours a night.  Last night, she woke up three times before I gave up and just went to bed.  I had managed to get in a bath, the dishes, and a pumping session before kicking my feet up with a beer.  Well, two minutes into that beer she woke up that third time.  As I slunk my way upstairs, grumbling about never getting any time to myself, I realized that's just silly.  I don't want my memories of this time to be angry.  I certainly don't want to not remember them at all.  So, I checked my attitude in the hallway and enjoyed spending the night cuddled next to my little lady.  She has the sweetest face.  I cannot believe how big she is getting.

I heard this girl at work describing her experience with her broken foot to a coworker.  I realized that she was in the broken foot club.  That she has a set of knowledge and experience that only people who have had broken feet can relate to.  I betcha she knows a lot more things about broken feet now than she ever did before.  It is that way with many things in life, especially having a baby.  There is a set of knowledge and experience that you have when going through pregnancy and childbirth.  And, once you have a baby, you're no longer in the pregnant club, because you've had these other experience that make you something else.  You're a mom!  

And, this week, I celebrate that we made it somewhere.  We made it here.  And, I have no idea where we will be in 5 months or in 5 years.  I cannot imagine life with a toddler or a kindergartner.  How scary and exciting.  On to the next adventure.

Six Months Later

Dear Lily,

Exactly six months ago today, you were making your way out of your little cocoon and into the world.  I often wondered if it was fair to bring an innocent child into what can be such a challenging world.  But, the moment you were born, you made the world a better place.  Your smile lights up our whole world.  We love being your parents.  Every day, we are only concerned with getting back to you and smothering you with love and kisses.

We have watched you grow up so much already.  I remember when you had no interest in playing with toys.  Eventually, you liked to look at them.  Then, you like to grab at them and put them into your mouth.  It felt good to chew on them.  You gained the ability to hold your toys, and I remember when you started manipulating them in your mouth.  One day, I woke up and you were able to grab toys off of your tray and put them in your mouth. You can now see the toy you want under other toys and move the other toys into a pile on the other side of your tray, so that you can get to the prize toy.  When I read that as a baby skill online, I thought that it wasn't a big deal.  But, it was the most amazing thing when I saw you do it the first time.  It is so incredible to watch you play with one toy, put it down, and become interested in another.  Last night, you were rolling over and moving towards the toy you wanted.  I wouldn't have thought such small things would be such a big deal, but they are.  When we watch you, this little amazing creature, go from not being remotely interested in something to being able to move to get it, it warms the heart and makes us realize just how much each of us had to learn.

We are so very excited to explore this world with you.  For every new discovery you make, you brighten up our lives.  Thank you so much for being you.  We cannot wait to see who you grow up to be.

Love,

Mommy

Hi Sweetie

You are six months old today.

I will never forget the first time I held you.  And the first time you looked at me.  And the first time we all went out to eat at a restaurant.  And the first time that I changed your little diaper.  Somehow, though... I can't remember the 3rd or 23rd time that I changed your diaper.  It's just gone from my memory, but I'm sure it was a wondrous event.

Raising you is the most amazing challenge imaginable.  The greatest lesson that your mother and I have learned is Love.  We set aside the little things that we want in order to give ourselves to you, because we love you and want the best for you.  And when you crack a smile that is brighter than the Sun, nothing else matters.  Raising you has changed us in so many ways... because you make everything an adventure :)

We are so excited for every new thing you learn.  The constant smiling is awesome.  And we love seeing you roll over... although, this has caused diaper-changing to become like a wrestling match.  And you are very grabby.  Just a little while ago, while changing you... I bent down to grab a new diaper, and came back up to find you squirming around with a pair of baby-sized pj pants covering your face.  The word "adorable" is a vast understatement.

Right now, sweetie, our family is facing a wonderful future... because we are learning with you, we are re-experiencing simple joys with you, and we are growing with you.

Love you :)

Daddy

at birth class

on due date

birth day

newborn

one month

two months

three months

four months

five months

six months