High Need Baby

I mostly agree with the premise that it's not good to put children into categories or label them.  But, there are times when putting a label on something is freeing.  I certainly felt that way when I came across the description of some babies as high need.  It was freeing to think that she just needs more from us and than other babies.  Dr. Sears describes characteristics of a high need baby:

1. Intense
2. Hyperactive
3. Draining
4. Feeds frequently
5. Demanding
6. Awakens frequently
7. Unsatisfied
8. Unpredictable
9. Super-sensitive
10. Can't be put down
11. Can't self soothe
12. Separation sensitive

This is very much Lily Bean.  We keep telling ourselves that it's because she's got to be smart.  She's so smart.   Of course, that not necessarily what it means, and many easy babies are also smart, but it's what desperate parents tell themselves at 11pm when the baby has been on the boob for four hours and all you want to do is peeeeeeeeee.

On one of the high need mommy forums, one of the ladies commented that she wouldn't trade her  daughter's personality for anything.  That if she gave up some of the high-spirited nature of her daughter, that she'd also be giving up parts of her she loves.  We feel that way, too.  Her smile and her laugh are incredible.  She can get into these intense fits of laughter that just melt our hearts.  This baby just started hand signing back to me.  She loves shopping.  She loves new people and new places.  She is incredible.  She is so happy.  

To people who say "well, that's just all babies," you probably didn't have a high need baby. Labeling Lily as "high need" was freeing.  I finally knew that that it's not me.  It's not that I can't deal, that I'm a horrible mother, or that I don't know what I'm doing.  I could finally understand why Lily would change every time we started to figure out a routine that worked for us.  We get into a pattern where we know how to get her to sleep, how to lay her down, how to do something else, and those things stop working after 2 weeks.  Then, we have to spend frustrated weeks figuring out patterns that work again.  I could finally understand why it seemed like all of our energy every day was going to keep this little lady happy and entertained.  I had not understood why she loved to meet new people, but hated to be held by folks who were not in her primary caregiver circle (i.e., she would hate a babysitter, which I would love to hire).  Why did I have to rush home after work, why were we so exhausted, and why didn't I think a babysitter could handle her?  I can now understand why she has to constantly have my boob in her mouth while she sleeps, why she cannot self-soothe, and why she will never take a pacifier.  She just needs more.

We can also recognize that a lot of parenting techniques are just not going to work for her.   Thank goodness we were into attachment parenting before getting to this point.  Cry it out, putting her down drowsy but awake, night weaning, pacifiers, swings, etc. just won't work. And, we give ourselves permission to let go of what isn't or won't work for us.

We were waiting for this milestone or the end of that developmental period to help make things easier.  That if we could just get to X, Y, or Z, things would be easier.  Well, after reading posts by other parents with high need babies, it could go on and on until she's 2 or 3 or older.  Though she could be an easy baby starting tomorrow, I have to be ready to be her mama in this reality for a few years.  I'm taking 5 minute showers.  I no longer blow dry my hair.  I hadn't vacuumed since before we moved in at the end of February.  I don't do my own laundry, and even then, I wear the same dirty clothes over and over, because there is no time for us to wash them.  I just bought some more pants online.  I need more pants.

I now realize that we needed to up the anty and make a plan for how to get me relief.  It cannot be an occasional few moments here and a few moments there.  It has to be planned, because if we don't plan it, then we get backed into this corner where I need it RIGHT NOW.  Sean has started taking Lily on the weekend mornings, so that I can go back to bed.  She loves to watch him work out.  And, that worked out well for a few weeks until she figured it out.  She was giving me an hour.  Then it was 40 minutes.  Now, she will let him entertain her for 20 minutes before she's screaming for a boob.   We have to keep changing our plan and hold some things in our back pocket and use them.

I need to make a list of what I want to do should I have free moments.  When I have them, I wouldn't have planned to do anything, so I would squander them by cleaning or doing something someone else could have done.  Then, I think about all of the things I still want or need to do and how I never have time to do them.

We found this great idea in the Dr Sears Baby Sleep Book that suggested that dad take care of some of the afternoon naps on the weekends.  We have been scheduling outings every weekend, so there's never any opportunity for him to try to put Lily down for a nap. I had this idea that I could ride with them to the Gymboree class (better if we have 2 of us in the car) and I could go to a coffee shop while they played.

Working on more ideas to get me some space.  What is for sure is that they will only work for a couple of weeks and then we start all over again.

Fake It Until You Make It

Yesterday, I found this helpful advice that I sure need now and will pocket for the future that I cannot see.  On Mothering.com, Amber posted a blog about how to she started putting expert parenting advice to practice:

I am not advocating sending your children away to boarding school or to getting a live-in nanny. However, for the rest of today I pretended that I was one of the parenting experts that I rely on for advice. When the children had a conflict, I would pretend I was Adele Faber from "Siblings Without Rivalry". When I was shopping for clothes and needed to honor both my needs and those of my children, I called on Naomi Aldort from "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves". When I was going through the bedtime routine, I channeled Dr. Laura Markham from "Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids". There are several other people I could list here because really, I have learned so much from so many on the way I want to parent. But I sometimes lack the confidence to implement those skills in a way that produces success, especially when I am under stress. Today I decided to "fake it until I make it". 

In addition to faking that I knew what the heck I was doing in this parenting thing, I also thought about how I would want someone else to treat my children if I hired them for the job. We sometimes get a sitter and I would never ask her to come over again if she said some of the things I have said to my children in my worst moments. I would expect her to be patient and kind. I would want her to see each of my children's strengths and give them her undivided attention as much as they needed it. I would hope that she was creative and fun, encouraging playfulness and cooperation. I would want her to have realistic expectations and limits, but also be able to empathize with them if they were expressing any difficult emotions. Today I decided to pretend not only was I the parenting expert, I was also hired for the job of being the best person for my children to spend the day with.

 I wrote the rest of this post earlier this week, but it applies today so much more than yesterday.  Baby girl gives me so little space to be me.  She woke up an hour after I put her to bed yesterday and she wouldn't let me get out of the bed again at all.  I just needed a moment to finish up.  Two hours later, I am still in the bed, now in tears, just wanting to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, check the time on the phone, or something.

Last week, I was on the verge of a meltdown.  Actually, I am still on the verge of a meltdown.  Every couple of months, when I just haven't gotten 5 minutes to myself in weeks, I throw a hissy fit and stomp around.  Sean tries his best to relieve some pressure, but sometimes, no one can possibly do enough to get me relief, because I am mentally and emotionally stretched to the brim between high need baby girl and crazy work.

One of our cars died last week, and I told my husband that I couldn't handle looking for a car.  I told him to just deal with it, but deal with it quickly, because if I have to drive my mom's hoopty for 5 more minutes, I'm going to flip.  Taking a car that is not my car really messes up little details in my routine.  I have had to drive my mom's car for 5 separate stretches since returning to work.  One of her mirrors had fallen off the last time I had to drive it, so trying to change lanes on any of the DC interstates was stressful.  I can't just leave my work pass and transponder in the car, so I always have to remember them and hunt for them when changing cars.  Her radio stations are not set to DC stations, so I have to hunt back and forth between traffic reports and music.  And, her cigarette lighter does not work, so there's no charging my phone on the way to and from work.  That can mean a range of things when my phone dies, like no GPS while trying to navigate around a traffic jam, no certainty that my baby is 100% fine (i.e. being able to know that no one called), or no music at the gym.

It's just little problem after little problem.  There have been ants in the house at night, some of the floor boards squeak, our new eco mattress hurts Sean's back, our bedrooms upstairs are way hot and we need some appropriate cooling solution, our eggs taste different (i.e. gross) due to a healthier summer chicken diet (WTF!), and now the car dies.  I just cannot deal with the car dying.  I just cannot deal.

Then, somehow on Saturday, Lily and I ended up in the car on the way to a dealership with Sean, as that sounded like a fun outing at 11am.  I realized that I had invited myself into the very situation I wanted so badly to avoid.  It's like when you see the train coming and you decide to pull onto the tracks in front of it anyway.   Lily was bored and tired after an hour.  She had already seen all of the cars and posters in the show room.  She already played on a blanket and on a desk.  She already saw the mirror in the bathroom two times.  What the *bleep* was I thinking!  I yelled some jibberish about how it was taking too long for that guy to sell us a car, and then I left with the baby to find some relief.  So, we did Lily's favorite thing next to the booby and we went shopping.

Six months ago, I blamed Sean when the baby screamed and wouldn't settle, and I've done a lot of work to not respond that way.  I realized that I was mad, because some of my challenges wouldn't exist if I had that opportunity to be a stay at home mom.  There is nothing I can do about that in this moment, I just have to let that go and move onto today's issues.  He has been such a sweetheart to do whatever he can to try to relieve my stress an anxiety while dealing with his own. It's not his fault the baby cries, that there are ants, or that the car died.  But, he is taking care of the ants, the car, and takes care of precious Lily when he can.  It's not his fault that me and my mom and the baby dirtied dishes.  It's not his fault that the eggs are now orange or that Lily needs booby some days more than others.  I still have little freak outs, but I don't blame him anymore.

But, I don't want there to be a point at which I start to freak out at all.  I just want to be able to see the reality of every situation and deal with it calmly.  When I need space, I just want to be able to see when I am next going to have time to myself and be able to wait for it.  Yes, I want to be able to see the future.  What the *bleep* am I going to do when there are real problems? 

So, we buy a new car on Saturday.  I asked him to deal with it, and he dealt with it.  Thank you, baby.  We got home and made a pizza, content with cuddling on the couch with a movie.  It should have cooked in 18 minutes.  It took 50 minutes.  We found out that night that our brand new oven is no longer working.  Of course.  Repair guy coming on Friday.

Now, I need a little space.  Just a few minutes to myself.  Just a moment to breathe.  A moment where I am not a boob, doing the dishes, or trying to throw things in my bag for lunch and dinner.  Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom.  But, every mom needs a moment.  Right now, I'm overdue for mine. I was trying to tell myself to be that parenting expert in bed last night.  Lily thought it was HILARIOUS that I was crying, because that was a new noise she really hadn't heard.  She laughed and laughed until after midnight.  Then, we cuddled and fell asleep.

Parenting In The News

This week, several controversial parenting stories have come up in the news, and since they touch on aspects of parenting that I am exploring, I felt inclined to share my thoughts, because they touch on some natural parenting philosophies that I've been looking into.

Potty training in public: A Utah woman has her two children on portable potties in a restaurant. Because of their outfits, the girls had to strip down to the nude to use the potties.

My thoughts: While I don't have direct experience with potty training yet, I do understand that many parents get frustrated with potty training.  We don't know what was going through this mom's head.  But, I will say that using the bathroom in public is not considered sanitary or socially acceptable by any means.  Also, having your children nude in public is also not generally socially acceptable.  Sure, kids need to learn to use the bathroom, but a part of that training is the concept that they have to get up and go to a special room to do their business.

Professor breastfeeding in class: An American University professor caused a bit of a stir when she breastfed her baby while teaching a class.  The single mother found herself in a bind on the first day of her feminist anthropology class when her infant with a temperature couldn't be taken to daycare.  When the baby became fussy, she nursed to calm her down.

My thoughts: About to be a breastfeeding mom myself, one who hopes to calm my fussy baby at times by nursing, I hope that social acceptance of breastfeeding only increases.  While it was not the most ideal situation, not everyone understands the importance of nursing when possible over bottles and pacifiers.  She could have made other choices, but she didn't, and it should have been okay for her to make that choice.  It's just a reflection of how far we have to go until it is completely socially acceptable.

Banned from school for not vaccinating: Because she is not vaccinated, a high school senior was told by school officials that she would be removed from school property if she attempted to return to class.  The teenager believes that the vaccines include toxic substances to which she does not want to expose herself.  West Virginia is one of two states that does not allow for religious exemptions for vaccinations.

My thoughts: I am disappointed that the health department and the superintendent chose to exclude this gal from school because she isn't vaccinated.  It's different from the government requiring us to register our cars, get emissions checks, or pay taxes.  Government should not require someone to be injected with a substance that has the potential to cause very damaging and/or fatal reactions.

Free Range Kids: A woman who was called "America's Worst Mom" for letting her 9 year-old ride the subway by himself was trying to raise awareness for her parenting movement, Free Range Kids, by advertising that she was hosting unsupervised play dates for $350 per hour in Central Park.  While she wasn't really charging $350 for the play dates, she did publicize that she plans to be hanging out at the local Starbucks while the kids were playing at the park.

My thoughts: I understand and agree with this woman's message to an extent. I do wish that she would have explored other ways to get media attention that didn't make it feel like a fake media circus.  As a result, her message came across to me as not well thought out and not genuine, even though the philosophy on her website makes a lot of sense to me.  Along with not being so protective of our kids, Lenore Skenazy does condone teaching kids to be safe, such as the how-to's of using public transportation, listening to their intuition about strangers, and being able to ask safe strangers for help when they feel like they are being threatened.  I do believe that there are limits at every age and that they vary from child to child.

No bus for kids a mile from school: The public school system in Arlington, VA changed its bus policy and will no longer offer bus service to students who live within a mile of the school.  Many parents are upset by the change.

My thoughts: This sort of goes in hand with not being so protective of our kids.  When watching this story on the news the other day, one of the parents commented that her six year-old daughter had to cross four major roadways, including Lee Hwy.  When crossing Lee Hwy in Fairfax County to come home from the metro, even my late thirties roommates were nervous, and that was the only major road they crossed.  I cannot imagine a six year-old crossing that road and more just to get to and from school every day.  I don't believe that six years old is old enough to make a 25 to 30-minute, mile walk to school across busy streets.  A lot of parents commented about stranger danger, but I also feel that in a single city mile, there are many opportunities to get lost.  Going back to my point above that it seems like some kids would be able to handle the independence earlier than others.