I am not advocating sending your children away to boarding school or to getting a live-in nanny. However, for the rest of today I pretended that I was one of the parenting experts that I rely on for advice. When the children had a conflict, I would pretend I was Adele Faber from "Siblings Without Rivalry". When I was shopping for clothes and needed to honor both my needs and those of my children, I called on Naomi Aldort from "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves". When I was going through the bedtime routine, I channeled Dr. Laura Markham from "Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids". There are several other people I could list here because really, I have learned so much from so many on the way I want to parent. But I sometimes lack the confidence to implement those skills in a way that produces success, especially when I am under stress. Today I decided to "fake it until I make it".
I wrote the rest of this post earlier this week, but it applies today so much more than yesterday. Baby girl gives me so little space to be me. She woke up an hour after I put her to bed yesterday and she wouldn't let me get out of the bed again at all. I just needed a moment to finish up. Two hours later, I am still in the bed, now in tears, just wanting to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, check the time on the phone, or something.In addition to faking that I knew what the heck I was doing in this parenting thing, I also thought about how I would want someone else to treat my children if I hired them for the job. We sometimes get a sitter and I would never ask her to come over again if she said some of the things I have said to my children in my worst moments. I would expect her to be patient and kind. I would want her to see each of my children's strengths and give them her undivided attention as much as they needed it. I would hope that she was creative and fun, encouraging playfulness and cooperation. I would want her to have realistic expectations and limits, but also be able to empathize with them if they were expressing any difficult emotions. Today I decided to pretend not only was I the parenting expert, I was also hired for the job of being the best person for my children to spend the day with.
Last week, I was on the verge of a meltdown. Actually, I am still on the verge of a meltdown. Every couple of months, when I just haven't gotten 5 minutes to myself in weeks, I throw a hissy fit and stomp around. Sean tries his best to relieve some pressure, but sometimes, no one can possibly do enough to get me relief, because I am mentally and emotionally stretched to the brim between high need baby girl and crazy work.
One of our cars died last week, and I told my husband that I couldn't handle looking for a car. I told him to just deal with it, but deal with it quickly, because if I have to drive my mom's hoopty for 5 more minutes, I'm going to flip. Taking a car that is not my car really messes up little details in my routine. I have had to drive my mom's car for 5 separate stretches since returning to work. One of her mirrors had fallen off the last time I had to drive it, so trying to change lanes on any of the DC interstates was stressful. I can't just leave my work pass and transponder in the car, so I always have to remember them and hunt for them when changing cars. Her radio stations are not set to DC stations, so I have to hunt back and forth between traffic reports and music. And, her cigarette lighter does not work, so there's no charging my phone on the way to and from work. That can mean a range of things when my phone dies, like no GPS while trying to navigate around a traffic jam, no certainty that my baby is 100% fine (i.e. being able to know that no one called), or no music at the gym.
It's just little problem after little problem. There have been ants in the house at night, some of the floor boards squeak, our new eco mattress hurts Sean's back, our bedrooms upstairs are way hot and we need some appropriate cooling solution, our eggs taste different (i.e. gross) due to a healthier summer chicken diet (WTF!), and now the car dies. I just cannot deal with the car dying. I just cannot deal.
Then, somehow on Saturday, Lily and I ended up in the car on the way to a dealership with Sean, as that sounded like a fun outing at 11am. I realized that I had invited myself into the very situation I wanted so badly to avoid. It's like when you see the train coming and you decide to pull onto the tracks in front of it anyway. Lily was bored and tired after an hour. She had already seen all of the cars and posters in the show room. She already played on a blanket and on a desk. She already saw the mirror in the bathroom two times. What the *bleep* was I thinking! I yelled some jibberish about how it was taking too long for that guy to sell us a car, and then I left with the baby to find some relief. So, we did Lily's favorite thing next to the booby and we went shopping.
Six months ago, I blamed Sean when the baby screamed and wouldn't settle, and I've done a lot of work to not respond that way. I realized that I was mad, because some of my challenges wouldn't exist if I had that opportunity to be a stay at home mom. There is nothing I can do about that in this moment, I just have to let that go and move onto today's issues. He has been such a sweetheart to do whatever he can to try to relieve my stress an anxiety while dealing with his own. It's not his fault the baby cries, that there are ants, or that the car died. But, he is taking care of the ants, the car, and takes care of precious Lily when he can. It's not his fault that me and my mom and the baby dirtied dishes. It's not his fault that the eggs are now orange or that Lily needs booby some days more than others. I still have little freak outs, but I don't blame him anymore.
But, I don't want there to be a point at which I start to freak out at all. I just want to be able to see the reality of every situation and deal with it calmly. When I need space, I just want to be able to see when I am next going to have time to myself and be able to wait for it. Yes, I want to be able to see the future. What the *bleep* am I going to do when there are real problems?
So, we buy a new car on Saturday. I asked him to deal with it, and he dealt with it. Thank you, baby. We got home and made a pizza, content with cuddling on the couch with a movie. It should have cooked in 18 minutes. It took 50 minutes. We found out that night that our brand new oven is no longer working. Of course. Repair guy coming on Friday.
Now, I need a little space. Just a few minutes to myself. Just a moment to breathe. A moment where I am not a boob, doing the dishes, or trying to throw things in my bag for lunch and dinner. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. But, every mom needs a moment. Right now, I'm overdue for mine. I was trying to tell myself to be that parenting expert in bed last night. Lily thought it was HILARIOUS that I was crying, because that was a new noise she really hadn't heard. She laughed and laughed until after midnight. Then, we cuddled and fell asleep.
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