High Need Baby

I mostly agree with the premise that it's not good to put children into categories or label them.  But, there are times when putting a label on something is freeing.  I certainly felt that way when I came across the description of some babies as high need.  It was freeing to think that she just needs more from us and than other babies.  Dr. Sears describes characteristics of a high need baby:

1. Intense
2. Hyperactive
3. Draining
4. Feeds frequently
5. Demanding
6. Awakens frequently
7. Unsatisfied
8. Unpredictable
9. Super-sensitive
10. Can't be put down
11. Can't self soothe
12. Separation sensitive

This is very much Lily Bean.  We keep telling ourselves that it's because she's got to be smart.  She's so smart.   Of course, that not necessarily what it means, and many easy babies are also smart, but it's what desperate parents tell themselves at 11pm when the baby has been on the boob for four hours and all you want to do is peeeeeeeeee.

On one of the high need mommy forums, one of the ladies commented that she wouldn't trade her  daughter's personality for anything.  That if she gave up some of the high-spirited nature of her daughter, that she'd also be giving up parts of her she loves.  We feel that way, too.  Her smile and her laugh are incredible.  She can get into these intense fits of laughter that just melt our hearts.  This baby just started hand signing back to me.  She loves shopping.  She loves new people and new places.  She is incredible.  She is so happy.  

To people who say "well, that's just all babies," you probably didn't have a high need baby. Labeling Lily as "high need" was freeing.  I finally knew that that it's not me.  It's not that I can't deal, that I'm a horrible mother, or that I don't know what I'm doing.  I could finally understand why Lily would change every time we started to figure out a routine that worked for us.  We get into a pattern where we know how to get her to sleep, how to lay her down, how to do something else, and those things stop working after 2 weeks.  Then, we have to spend frustrated weeks figuring out patterns that work again.  I could finally understand why it seemed like all of our energy every day was going to keep this little lady happy and entertained.  I had not understood why she loved to meet new people, but hated to be held by folks who were not in her primary caregiver circle (i.e., she would hate a babysitter, which I would love to hire).  Why did I have to rush home after work, why were we so exhausted, and why didn't I think a babysitter could handle her?  I can now understand why she has to constantly have my boob in her mouth while she sleeps, why she cannot self-soothe, and why she will never take a pacifier.  She just needs more.

We can also recognize that a lot of parenting techniques are just not going to work for her.   Thank goodness we were into attachment parenting before getting to this point.  Cry it out, putting her down drowsy but awake, night weaning, pacifiers, swings, etc. just won't work. And, we give ourselves permission to let go of what isn't or won't work for us.

We were waiting for this milestone or the end of that developmental period to help make things easier.  That if we could just get to X, Y, or Z, things would be easier.  Well, after reading posts by other parents with high need babies, it could go on and on until she's 2 or 3 or older.  Though she could be an easy baby starting tomorrow, I have to be ready to be her mama in this reality for a few years.  I'm taking 5 minute showers.  I no longer blow dry my hair.  I hadn't vacuumed since before we moved in at the end of February.  I don't do my own laundry, and even then, I wear the same dirty clothes over and over, because there is no time for us to wash them.  I just bought some more pants online.  I need more pants.

I now realize that we needed to up the anty and make a plan for how to get me relief.  It cannot be an occasional few moments here and a few moments there.  It has to be planned, because if we don't plan it, then we get backed into this corner where I need it RIGHT NOW.  Sean has started taking Lily on the weekend mornings, so that I can go back to bed.  She loves to watch him work out.  And, that worked out well for a few weeks until she figured it out.  She was giving me an hour.  Then it was 40 minutes.  Now, she will let him entertain her for 20 minutes before she's screaming for a boob.   We have to keep changing our plan and hold some things in our back pocket and use them.

I need to make a list of what I want to do should I have free moments.  When I have them, I wouldn't have planned to do anything, so I would squander them by cleaning or doing something someone else could have done.  Then, I think about all of the things I still want or need to do and how I never have time to do them.

We found this great idea in the Dr Sears Baby Sleep Book that suggested that dad take care of some of the afternoon naps on the weekends.  We have been scheduling outings every weekend, so there's never any opportunity for him to try to put Lily down for a nap. I had this idea that I could ride with them to the Gymboree class (better if we have 2 of us in the car) and I could go to a coffee shop while they played.

Working on more ideas to get me some space.  What is for sure is that they will only work for a couple of weeks and then we start all over again.