Long-Term Side-Lying Night Nursing

I belong to a very distraught and tired segment of the nursing mother population: the long-term, side-lying, night nursing group.   Code word: Human Pacifier.  Let me tell you a little bit about how we got here.  In learning about breastfeeding, one of the common things told to new moms is to not give babies a pacifier.  That a baby who gets attached to a pacifier might suck on it instead of nursing, which could lead to many issues, including a decreased milk supply.  Very determined to get an 'A' in Breastfeeding 101, we didn't really offer the pacifer to Lily save the car or when I returned to work at 5 weeks.  Who knows, with her personality, she probably wouldn't have ever taken it anyway, but of course on the worst days I'm going to sit here and go, "Why the bleep did I think that was a good idea?!"  Because, mixed with cosleeping and nursing on demand, I am now the pacifier.  

snuggling with mama!

Sometimes, it's sweet and wonderful.  I love to cuddle with her.  I love to snuggle and stroke her head.  She is now putting her little leg up on top of mine.  

But, there are a few other problems with this long-term, side-lying, night nursing.  I am laying in the bed with her for hours.  I can't move.  I have a hard time getting comfortable.  For months, I had debilitating hip pain, because once her legs got too long, I couldn't curl up comfortably next to her.  Sure, everyone says to use the pillows to support you, but that only goes so far.  Here are some things that I've been working on:

• I sometimes switch sides in the middle of the night or work on the top boob to give my hip some variety. 
• I try to get my bottom hip out from under my top hip. If my back is leaning out, which it easily does, I need to get that bottom hip away from the baby, so that I am leaning in a little. So I am laying more on the front of my hip than my side. It's hard and I feel like I'm constantly trying to wiggle it out. And, I loose the position while sleeping, so it still hurts a little bit, though not nearly as much as it did before. 
• I tried for awhile to wait until the baby fell asleep and unlatch, but my rolling around would wake her up and she would need another boob and we'd be right back where we were and I'd just go to sleep. Sometimes, I am successful.

  

  sleeping with her legs on top of mine
  

•  We transitioned her to a toddler bed on the floor at 11 months thinking that the rolling around was waking her up, but we found that it's just HER waking up wanting a boob. Grrr.
• Trying to feed her more during the day, and this girl eats like a champ, so that's not the problem.  Still trying to get her to eat more.
• Dr. Sears says for the long term side lying night nursers that we should seek out other people who are doing what we are doing, because most people don't understand and will likely say to just wean, stop cosleeping, let her cry or something.

Now, she likes to put her feet on me to snuggle and thati's causing a lot of back pain!  I can't win. But, she's so comfortable. If I give her the other leg, her leg is up too high to be comfortable, but she will sleep with her leg up there anyway! Crazy baby. I don't think we're ever going to be able to night wean.  

What I Will Remember About Breastfeeding

Now, I have done a lot of bitching about breastfeeding. Wah! It is hard. Wah! I don't like being a human pacifier. Wah! I hate pumping. But, as we have gotten into a groove where it doesn't hurt, I don't spend all my time pumping, I don't feel trapped under a baby all day, I'm not stuck in bed all night, and I actually get 10 minutes to myself every now and then, I am really enjoying this.  

I cannot wait to get home and wrap my arms around this beautiful little baby girl and nurse her to sleep.  We curl up in a big blue chair in her room.  Sure, some days the sweat really rolls off her head and down my arm.  But, we keep a fan close to keep us cool.  Trying not to miss anything, she will often stand up and put her face in the fan to look out the window.  It is almost as if she's on the open sea and putting her face out to see what lies ahead on our adventure.  But, on a night like tonight, she won't even pop off for a second.  I love to watch her get comfortable and her eyes slowly close and then open as she can no longer fight the sleep trying to overtake her.  Her little hand reaches up for the sky.  It touches my shirt, reaches for my face.  I pretend-nibble on her finger tips.  She lets me stroke her head and rub her back..  I love squeezing her chunky little thigh, my trophy of a job well done, as moms are often made to feel incapable when it comes to their child thriving.  I am going to remember the way she melts into me. Her breath on my skin. Her eye lashes, which sometimes have wet remnants of how long she waited for this moment, too. 

Eventually, we make our way into the bedroom and I try to slink in the bed.  There is a sweet spot when I can lay Lily down and she doesn't wake at all.  Most of the time, she roots for a boob again.  I used to try to get away as fast as possible, in fear that I would spend all evening in the bed.  Now, I don't mind that she nurses a little bit more.  We curl around each other and cuddle in bed.  I get to touch her head, squeeze her thigh, and caress her back some more.  Sometimes, a little hand shoots out and sweetly grabs my hand, moving it far away from her body.  Mom, I'm trying to sleep!  Eventually, she is so far gone into sleepy land that I can sneak my nipple out of her mouth without her noticing.  I will remember the way her lips continue to suckle the air in her sleep.  I get out of the bed, put the pillows around her, turn the monitor on, and sneak downstairs to do adult stuff.  But, if she doesn't let me get out of the room, I enjoy the few extra minutes I get to snuggle with her.

I am going to remember the resounding sadness I felt for several weeks after K1 stopped pumping and left me alone in the pump room.  Goodness, that was only a month ago.  It feels like six months have passed.  I didn't realize until I walked into the room that first time it was now just me that I would be so affected by that fact.  I didn't realize how much I relied on the knowledge that several of us where going through this together.

Rolly Polly Baby

So, this baby girl of ours loves her Daddy.  She loves Daddy so much that she must be touching both of us while sleeping.  This process has been repeating itself over and over at night lately.  Lily falls off the boob, eventually wakes up, realizes there's no boob, finds boob, realizes she's not touching Daddy, rolls until she finds Daddy, rolls back to boob, back to Daddy, back to Mommy, back to sleep.  Or something like that. 

Not only does this process wake up Mommy, but it also wakes up Daddy.  I don't mind.  It is the long hours of being awake at night and the early wake up times that get me.  But Daddy was suffering from being woken up too many times.  He refuses to sleep on the futon in the guest room, because he doesn't get to see Lily much as it is.  Besides that, he is just tickled pink that she cares enough about him to come find him in the bed at night.  Last night, he did sleep in our bed, which was a good gamble.  Lily only rolled over to him once.  And, after cuddling him for a few minutes, she spent most of the night sound asleep between us.

Balanced Baby Parenting

During my pregnancy, I was getting ready to have and raise a baby.  I was reading, researching, and making all of these decisions on how Lily would be raised and what kind of parent I wanted to be.  I heard that if you do what makes the baby happy all of the time, you won't have happy parents and that if you do what makes the parents happy all of the time, you won't have a happy baby.  I didn't believe it.  I was determined to do whatever I needed to do to make the baby happy and assumed that I could be happy, too.  I soon realized that even though I scoffed at the Time Magazine cover of extended nursing, that I did subscribe to attachment parenting.

While Attachment Parenting International describes parenting in different terms, Dr. Sears talks about attachment-style parenting in regards to believing in baby cues, baby wearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, and not baby training.  The idea being that a stronger bond means a happier child later in life.  Some parents make sort of opposite choices for one reason or another to sleep train, use formula, put their child down for an extended period of time, get babies on a schedule, etc. Sometimes, it's not really a choice, but a necessity of the family situation.  Things often get heated in online mommy discussions between folks when talking about the different parenting choices. Even though I am sticking with my intense choice to be an attached parent, I don't feel it's productive to judge parents who make different decisions.  We are all just trying to balance happy parent and happy baby, trying to make the decisions that we feel are best for our families.

I very much so thought that when I got around to writing about parenting that it would be about a wonderful attachment parenting life.  I didn't realize how hard it would be!  Our attachment ways have lead to a happy baby who hardly ever cries, who is gaining lots of weight, and we all generally sleep well at night. I didn't understand why some very loving parents would make different decisions about how to raise their children.  But, I get it now.  Our culture has made a job for two people what was meant a job for ten.  These babies need more than one set of boobs. While we do have a happy baby, it has come with some challenges:

	Positives	Challenges
Nursing on demand	happy baby, keep milk supply up, delay menstrual cycle	constantly breastfeeding during the first 4 months, nursing to sleep for 12 hours a day
Cosleeping	always near Lily when she needs us, can sleep while nursing her back to sleep, minimize time awake at night	pain in hips from side-lying too long, nursing baby to sleep for 12 hours a day, wake up baby when we toss and turn at night (when one of us isn't sleeping well, none of us sleep well)
Breastfeeding	baby gets specialized nutrition, better immune system for baby, less sickness for baby, decrease cancers for mom	pumping is a bitch, having to pump at work and all hours of the night, only I can really comfort her and put her to sleep
Babywearing	happy baby when wants to be held, can do some things around the house, can take baby more places without feeling like we have to drag out a stroller	Holding her for naps if she wants to be held, baby needs to be on the floor or playing with toys on her own at times to learn necessary skills and exercise
Belief in baby cues	happy baby, can figure out what she is trying to communicate before she starts crying, less crying means less sickness	there are some months where I don't know if we'll ever be allowed to leave the house again
Beware baby trainers	happy baby, work at developing skills before they become bad habits to break, do what the baby wants	wondering if those parents who do sleep train and do schedules are happier than we are right now

Regardless of all of the challenges that being an attached parent brings, I can't imagine raising Lily any other way.   She is certainly a happy baby because we try to meet all or her needs as quickly as we can.  There are things that we are doing and we need to do more of that can balance out these challenges and make for happy parents:

• Now that she's older, I am setting aside time to work out.
• Now that it's warmer in the morning, we are taking more and more walks.
• Now that I'm not worried about my milk supply, we're scheduling more and more date afternoons where it's okay for grandma to give the baby a bottle.
• Now that we're traveling well, I'm looking for more classes, activities, and opportunities to show Lily new things.
• When she's less sensitive, I try to nurse AND do something else, like scrapbook or read.  She's only let me do that a few times.  She often gets upset if I'm not paying attention to her while she's nursing.
• Decide to say YES to activities we have been saying no to, such as a birthday bonfire and a trip to the winery with the girls.

Safe Cosleeping

 Cosleeping, also known as a family bed, is where little ones sleep with parents.  This can be done with a single bed or with a sidecar cribe or cosleeper.  It has generally been considered taboo since statistics linked infant deaths to sharing the family bed.  But, it is still practiced all over the world, many parents have fallen into the family bed because of exhaustion, and it can be better for baby if done correctly and safely.  Many babies aren't happy sleeping alone.  Infants need the constant touch of a loved one to feel safe.  Little ones who sleep with their parents cry less, sleep more, and can be breastfeed more easily.  A lot of people won't admit to themselves that they cosleep, because they wind up sleeping with baby anyway or rocking baby to sleep all night and not getting any sleep themselves.  My mom rocked me to sleep all night for the longest time.

With the rise of attachment parenting, cosleeping is being talked about more and more as a safe option:

It's important to note that infant solitary sleep is a relatively new practice that has evolved in the western world only within the last 100 years. Recently, there have been efforts by various medical and professional organizations to discourage parents from sleeping with their children for fear that it contributes to an increase in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). However, new research demonstrates that co-sleeping, when practiced by informed parents, can be safe and beneficial. In fact, many cultures where parents routinely sleep with their children report some of the lowest SIDS rates. In some of these cultures SIDS is non-existent.

While at the first Le Leche League meeting I attended, one of the other women brought up cosleeping as a benefit to breastfeeding.  Almost all of the women in the room did practice cosleeping.  For us pregnant ladies, one of the LLL leaders started discussing proper practices:

• No blankets on the bed.
• No pillows near baby.
• No impaired parents in the bed (alcohol, drugs, drowsy medications).
• Non-breastfeeding parents shouldn't cosleep in the bed with baby (breastfeeding moms are more in sync with baby).

And, the chapter librarian mentioned that there were two books in the chapter library that women could check out.  I checked one out called Good Nights: The Happy Parents Guide to the Family Bed.  The authors talk about more ways to have a safe family bed:

•  If either parents smoke, stop.
• Recent statistics say babies should sleep on their back.  Never their stomach.
• It may or may not be safer to have the baby sleep next to the mother only, because she'll be more aware of changes in baby.
• Put parents in between baby and siblings, if they also share the bed.
• Sleep on a firm mattress or futon.  Not on a soft mattress, egg crate, water bed, or couch.
• The bigger the bed, the better.  This reduces the risk of crowding.
• Exceptionally obese folks may not want to consider cosleeping, because they may not be as aware of their body's position in relation to baby.  A sidecar position might be a good option instead.
• Don't put your bed against the wall, and if it has to be, make it flush and pack a towel in the crevasse.
• Keeping a bed lower to the ground can minimize falls.  Directly on the floor is best.
• Make sure the headboard is on straight and tight.  Don't want any little hands or heads getting trapped!
• If the headboard has slats, make sure that they are no more than 2 3/8 inches apart.  Again, we don't want little heads to get stuck!
• Few blankets are better than a comforter, but don't cover baby's head.  (This contradicts what the LLL leaders mentioned, so I will ask have to do more looking into the blanket question.)
• Guardrails, available at baby stores, can help baby from falling off, but they aren't necessarily super safe, because babies can get stuck in compromising positions.