What I Will Remember About Breastfeeding

Now, I have done a lot of bitching about breastfeeding. Wah! It is hard. Wah! I don't like being a human pacifier. Wah! I hate pumping. But, as we have gotten into a groove where it doesn't hurt, I don't spend all my time pumping, I don't feel trapped under a baby all day, I'm not stuck in bed all night, and I actually get 10 minutes to myself every now and then, I am really enjoying this.  

I cannot wait to get home and wrap my arms around this beautiful little baby girl and nurse her to sleep.  We curl up in a big blue chair in her room.  Sure, some days the sweat really rolls off her head and down my arm.  But, we keep a fan close to keep us cool.  Trying not to miss anything, she will often stand up and put her face in the fan to look out the window.  It is almost as if she's on the open sea and putting her face out to see what lies ahead on our adventure.  But, on a night like tonight, she won't even pop off for a second.  I love to watch her get comfortable and her eyes slowly close and then open as she can no longer fight the sleep trying to overtake her.  Her little hand reaches up for the sky.  It touches my shirt, reaches for my face.  I pretend-nibble on her finger tips.  She lets me stroke her head and rub her back..  I love squeezing her chunky little thigh, my trophy of a job well done, as moms are often made to feel incapable when it comes to their child thriving.  I am going to remember the way she melts into me. Her breath on my skin. Her eye lashes, which sometimes have wet remnants of how long she waited for this moment, too. 

Eventually, we make our way into the bedroom and I try to slink in the bed.  There is a sweet spot when I can lay Lily down and she doesn't wake at all.  Most of the time, she roots for a boob again.  I used to try to get away as fast as possible, in fear that I would spend all evening in the bed.  Now, I don't mind that she nurses a little bit more.  We curl around each other and cuddle in bed.  I get to touch her head, squeeze her thigh, and caress her back some more.  Sometimes, a little hand shoots out and sweetly grabs my hand, moving it far away from her body.  Mom, I'm trying to sleep!  Eventually, she is so far gone into sleepy land that I can sneak my nipple out of her mouth without her noticing.  I will remember the way her lips continue to suckle the air in her sleep.  I get out of the bed, put the pillows around her, turn the monitor on, and sneak downstairs to do adult stuff.  But, if she doesn't let me get out of the room, I enjoy the few extra minutes I get to snuggle with her.

I am going to remember the resounding sadness I felt for several weeks after K1 stopped pumping and left me alone in the pump room.  Goodness, that was only a month ago.  It feels like six months have passed.  I didn't realize until I walked into the room that first time it was now just me that I would be so affected by that fact.  I didn't realize how much I relied on the knowledge that several of us where going through this together.