Bradley Class #4 - The Coach's Role

 The loving encouragement from a trained coach can do more for the comfort and relaxation of his wife than any amount of medication. - Dr. Robert A. Bradley

 The Bradley birth method is a partner-coached natural birth method.  This meaning that the birthing mother has a support system around her to help her relax, manage pain, and keep up her strength.  Coaches should be:

• enthusiastic, 
• committed, 
• strong, 
• understanding, and 
• a relaxation expert.

Relaxation is key to the Bradley method.  The premise being that tension creates pain.  Birth coaches and moms are encouraged to practice many relaxation techniques together and spend a significant time relaxing each day.  Coaches are also encouraged to be familiar with where mom expresses tension first.  This because every person does it differently, and if the coach recognizes mom tensing up early, then he/she can help mom relax before a pressure wave.

Our Bradley instructor talked about how dads should work to minimize stress in moms' lives.  If there is a bill that needs to be paid, then dad should pay it.  If there is a chore that needs to be done, then dad should do it.  Keeping mom as calm as possible is so very important.  Stress during pregnancy can cause complications and defects in the baby's development.  I started to cry.  There were so many things that had been missing in the first five months of my pregnancy with Lily.  Thank goodness for Kali and Cortney.  And, milkshakes and grass-fed cheeseburgers.

We went around the room to talk about the strengths that we bring to this birth.  Cortney said that her strength was passion and my strength was confidence.  I said that her strength was commitment and excitement and my strength was that if I put my mind to something, I could do it.

We jotted down ways that coaches can enthusiastically encourage moms.  Cortney wrote down that coaches could check exercises and nutrition off of a list.  I said that coaches could ask questions about what mom is doing.  And, that coaches can research birth, too, and that being excited to share information is a big help.

Love For This Baby

The more my belly grows, the more I feel her move, and the more I prepare for her arrival, the deeper I feel connected with Lily. I held two babies last week, and I cannot wait to hold my baby.  I see pictures and videos of newborn babies and I cannot wait to feel her skin touch my skin.  To gaze into her eyes with mine.  I watch videos, read books, and browse articles about breastfeeding, and I cannot wait to spend that time connecting with this little baby.  Watching her sleep.  Helping her eat.  Letting her do her thing.  I want to smell her.  I want to cuddle her.  I want to fill my world with her.  I want to love her with everything I have in me.  I cannot wait to spend every day of the rest of my life giving her everything she needs to be the best person possible, whoever she grows up to be.

I have been reading the baby book that my mom kept for me when I was little.  She spent several years pouring details about the first moments of my life onto the pages of those book.  The effort that it took to remember to stop and write down a few things is enormous.  It shows just how much she loved me.  That her love for me could have started like my love for Lily.

At my last Bradley class, we watched a short video of a natural birth.  These folks started shooting video when they saw a positive pregnancy test.  We watched her tummy grow from month to month.  Seeing her naked pregnant body made me break down and cry.  To know that there was a little Lily growing inside of her, too.  And, waiting for the image of when she looked the same amount of preggers that I do.  For when she looked like me! And, the emotions were overflowing by the time she was near term and she showed me what I could look like in a couple of months.  Big, beautiful, with baby bursting out the front.  There's a baby in there!  I'm going to look like that soon.  Wait, there's a baby in here, too!

Then, I realize who was shooting the video of this beautiful pregnant woman.  It was her husband.  A husband we would see with her every step of the way.  A husband who was right there with her when she needed help the most. The way her husband looked at her as he was helping to bring their baby into the world.  I don't think that I can watch all of these natural birth videos without breaking down with these loving husbands when I got conned out of my fairy tale. It was a few days before this when I realized that Baby Daddy could have never wanted to be a father. That his want of a child didn't come from a place of love. If daddies love their babies just as much as mommies, no man who really wanted a family and really loved his child would have ever done what he did to us and put Lily through what he put her through before she was even born.

What will  make it all better is when I feel her skin on my skin.  It vibrates through every part of my spirit that once I feel her skin touch my skin, everything will be okay.  I love her more than anything.  I am so excited for the day that I get to meet her.

First Bradley Birth Class - Exercise

I attended my first Bradley birth class yesterday with my new birth coach and doula, Cortney!  Read about her experiences on this journey on her birth coach blog.  Cortney's aspiration for the next part of her life is to become a certified nurse midwife.  As she's exploring how nursing school will fit into her life, she will begin midwifery school in September, and she just started training to become a certified doula.  While a midwife monitors and oversees the care of a pregnancy and birth, a doula can be enlisted to support a laboring mother in whatever way she needs.  This can include communicating the needs of the mother to others, getting food, suggesting new birth positions, suggesting ways to manage pain, and being emotional support, etc.

Bradley is a natural birth method delivered in 12 weekly classes.  The first class covered ways of handling pain and some simple exercises to build strength in areas of the body that we'll need to be strong for an easier birth.  Ways of handling pain include sleeping, eating, drinking water, applying pressure and changing position, etc.  Exercises for an easier birth include relaxing, walking daily, kegels, and pelvic rocking, etc.

We were in a class of about seven other pregnant families.  It is a method that encourages coaching and support by husbands or other birth partners.  These women are due within a month of when I am due (middle of October), from the middle of September to the middle of November.  While all of the husbands were super supportive, some of the men were more vocal than others.  Our class instructor mentioned that often fathers don't feel participatory in the pregnancy and the birth class gives them a great way to do become involved.  I am happy that Cortney and I get to attend together, because this will connect us both more with birthing together.

We answered some true/false questions about pregnancy myths.  All of the answers should have been false, but I thought a couple of them could be true. In fact, our instructor said that these could be true, but they aren't ideal.

Since childbirth is a natural function, women don't need classes, but can rely on their instincts to get them through it.  From what I've read to this point, I feel like I could give birth by listening to my body without further instruction.  Our instructor said that while this can be true, our cultural understanding of birth is different from most of the world.  Other cultures grow up seeing their family members give birth, so they intuitively know what works and what to expect.  In our culture, we don't see birth, and when we do, it's the worst case scenario on television.  I do think that for my personal beliefs about the medical industry and the human body, that I am less susceptible to influence by American cultural understandings of birth.  But, it surrounds us all, and she makes a valid point.  The Hynobabies home study course advises women to not allow negative or painful birth images or stories into their lives while preparing or birth.

It is all  right if your nutrition is not as good as it should be when you're pregnant because the baby can take what it needs from the mother. I felt like there is truth to this, because with everything Baby Daddy put me through, I was having trouble getting and keeping food down for several weeks.  I lost so much weight, I barely looked pregnant at five months, and I was so scared that I was going to miscarry or cause major damage to the baby.  I weighed less five months pregnant than I have weighed in the last 6 years.  However, at the 20 week ultrasound, the technician said that the baby was 13 oz.  My weekly Babycenter.com weekly email said that babies are around 10.5 oz at 20 weeks.  I was so happy that she was taking what she needed from me.  Our instructor said that while it is true that the baby will take what it needs from the mother, those nutrients still need to be there in the first place, or else the baby cannot take them.  That makes sense.

We each pulled a question about pregnancy to answer while we made our personal introductions.  My question was "What I expect to enjoy the most about our labor and delivery is..." I expect to enjoy experiencing the natural miracle of the human body as I explore the wonderful gifts that are innate within us.  I believe that we were built to have babies, and baring no major complications, I am so excited to see the natural process unfold.  I have been enamored with the many gifts that Mother Nature has given us, like breast milk, the life-enriching fluids of the umbilical cord, and the vernix, and I am so excited to continue to embrace these gifts of birth and the new gifts I am learning about for more easily laboring my bundle of joy into the world.

Near the end of class, we practiced some of the simple exercises, such as pelvic rocking and side lying.  As I was lying on my side, I looked back and realized that Baby Daddy wasn't there with me.  As I started to get sad, I had to remind myself how mean he was to me, how poorly he treated me, and that he didn't care about us anymore. That the man who was so excited to start a family with me didn't exist.  He wasn't real. I am so lucky that Cortney is so excited to be my birth partner.  I don't know what I would do without her as my friend and cheerleader.

Goodbye, Baby Daddy

That is right.  Goodbye, Baby Daddy.  I have packed up my bags and moved out.  Baby Daddy has a lot of issues that he needs to resolve in himself before he can be a father.  If it wasn't the months of emotional abuse and controlling behavior that asked me to give up my sense of judgement, sense of self, confidence, and identity, then it surely was him sleeping with one of our good friends and putting the baby at risk to contract an STD.  Or maybe it was the emotional and other neglect of his pregnant wife when he decided that he was bored, it was time to move on to the next victim of his game, and that he wanted a divorce from his new (third), supportive, and loving pregnant wife who did whatever she could to save her marriage.  What kind of man can watch the woman pregnant with his baby and scared out of her mind loose 9 pounds through the stress he's putting on the relationship and tell her that its her fault for being upset?  That's right, friends.  Baby Daddy lacks conscience and empathy.  I was just another in a string of women to dominate and discard. 

As for me and baby, we are happily living it up (as much as a pregnant lady can) at a friend's house.  So much for the best pregnancy.  I will settle for the best pregnancy possible in this situation. I have been worried about food, makeup, and deodorant, but the most important thing was a peaceful space.  A space where baby and mama can be free from stress, manipulation, and control.  A space where mama's needs and opinion mean something.  A space where the baby is the most important focus.

Besides knowing that sweet baby is okay, the most precious thing has been the fear of being alone that transformed into the knowledge that we have an incredible support system.  There are dozens of people who have reached out to lend a hand, lend an ear, be a shoulder, be a friend, share a meal, etc.  I always doubted  whether or not I was doing a good enough job as a leader, whether I was giving enough to others and to the community.  That answer has been a resounding yes.  Thank you so much to all of those who have been there, who continue to be there, and who will be there for us in the future.

Her name is Lily and she is going to be born in October.  I am so excited to meet her. I dreamt of it the other night. About holding her and seeing her eyes.  Feeling her soft skin.  She will be the most loved person I know.

And, Baby Daddy's opinion is that he can take care of and love a baby in the womb without taking care of   the pregnant mother.  This is so completely wrong that it's disgusting.  That's okay, Big BD.  We can take care of ourselves.