Love For This Baby

The more my belly grows, the more I feel her move, and the more I prepare for her arrival, the deeper I feel connected with Lily. I held two babies last week, and I cannot wait to hold my baby.  I see pictures and videos of newborn babies and I cannot wait to feel her skin touch my skin.  To gaze into her eyes with mine.  I watch videos, read books, and browse articles about breastfeeding, and I cannot wait to spend that time connecting with this little baby.  Watching her sleep.  Helping her eat.  Letting her do her thing.  I want to smell her.  I want to cuddle her.  I want to fill my world with her.  I want to love her with everything I have in me.  I cannot wait to spend every day of the rest of my life giving her everything she needs to be the best person possible, whoever she grows up to be.

I have been reading the baby book that my mom kept for me when I was little.  She spent several years pouring details about the first moments of my life onto the pages of those book.  The effort that it took to remember to stop and write down a few things is enormous.  It shows just how much she loved me.  That her love for me could have started like my love for Lily.

At my last Bradley class, we watched a short video of a natural birth.  These folks started shooting video when they saw a positive pregnancy test.  We watched her tummy grow from month to month.  Seeing her naked pregnant body made me break down and cry.  To know that there was a little Lily growing inside of her, too.  And, waiting for the image of when she looked the same amount of preggers that I do.  For when she looked like me! And, the emotions were overflowing by the time she was near term and she showed me what I could look like in a couple of months.  Big, beautiful, with baby bursting out the front.  There's a baby in there!  I'm going to look like that soon.  Wait, there's a baby in here, too!

Then, I realize who was shooting the video of this beautiful pregnant woman.  It was her husband.  A husband we would see with her every step of the way.  A husband who was right there with her when she needed help the most. The way her husband looked at her as he was helping to bring their baby into the world.  I don't think that I can watch all of these natural birth videos without breaking down with these loving husbands when I got conned out of my fairy tale. It was a few days before this when I realized that Baby Daddy could have never wanted to be a father. That his want of a child didn't come from a place of love. If daddies love their babies just as much as mommies, no man who really wanted a family and really loved his child would have ever done what he did to us and put Lily through what he put her through before she was even born.

What will  make it all better is when I feel her skin on my skin.  It vibrates through every part of my spirit that once I feel her skin touch my skin, everything will be okay.  I love her more than anything.  I am so excited for the day that I get to meet her.