Balanced Baby Parenting

During my pregnancy, I was getting ready to have and raise a baby.  I was reading, researching, and making all of these decisions on how Lily would be raised and what kind of parent I wanted to be.  I heard that if you do what makes the baby happy all of the time, you won't have happy parents and that if you do what makes the parents happy all of the time, you won't have a happy baby.  I didn't believe it.  I was determined to do whatever I needed to do to make the baby happy and assumed that I could be happy, too.  I soon realized that even though I scoffed at the Time Magazine cover of extended nursing, that I did subscribe to attachment parenting.

While Attachment Parenting International describes parenting in different terms, Dr. Sears talks about attachment-style parenting in regards to believing in baby cues, baby wearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, and not baby training.  The idea being that a stronger bond means a happier child later in life.  Some parents make sort of opposite choices for one reason or another to sleep train, use formula, put their child down for an extended period of time, get babies on a schedule, etc. Sometimes, it's not really a choice, but a necessity of the family situation.  Things often get heated in online mommy discussions between folks when talking about the different parenting choices. Even though I am sticking with my intense choice to be an attached parent, I don't feel it's productive to judge parents who make different decisions.  We are all just trying to balance happy parent and happy baby, trying to make the decisions that we feel are best for our families.

I very much so thought that when I got around to writing about parenting that it would be about a wonderful attachment parenting life.  I didn't realize how hard it would be!  Our attachment ways have lead to a happy baby who hardly ever cries, who is gaining lots of weight, and we all generally sleep well at night. I didn't understand why some very loving parents would make different decisions about how to raise their children.  But, I get it now.  Our culture has made a job for two people what was meant a job for ten.  These babies need more than one set of boobs. While we do have a happy baby, it has come with some challenges:

	Positives	Challenges
Nursing on demand	happy baby, keep milk supply up, delay menstrual cycle	constantly breastfeeding during the first 4 months, nursing to sleep for 12 hours a day
Cosleeping	always near Lily when she needs us, can sleep while nursing her back to sleep, minimize time awake at night	pain in hips from side-lying too long, nursing baby to sleep for 12 hours a day, wake up baby when we toss and turn at night (when one of us isn't sleeping well, none of us sleep well)
Breastfeeding	baby gets specialized nutrition, better immune system for baby, less sickness for baby, decrease cancers for mom	pumping is a bitch, having to pump at work and all hours of the night, only I can really comfort her and put her to sleep
Babywearing	happy baby when wants to be held, can do some things around the house, can take baby more places without feeling like we have to drag out a stroller	Holding her for naps if she wants to be held, baby needs to be on the floor or playing with toys on her own at times to learn necessary skills and exercise
Belief in baby cues	happy baby, can figure out what she is trying to communicate before she starts crying, less crying means less sickness	there are some months where I don't know if we'll ever be allowed to leave the house again
Beware baby trainers	happy baby, work at developing skills before they become bad habits to break, do what the baby wants	wondering if those parents who do sleep train and do schedules are happier than we are right now

Regardless of all of the challenges that being an attached parent brings, I can't imagine raising Lily any other way.   She is certainly a happy baby because we try to meet all or her needs as quickly as we can.  There are things that we are doing and we need to do more of that can balance out these challenges and make for happy parents:

• Now that she's older, I am setting aside time to work out.
• Now that it's warmer in the morning, we are taking more and more walks.
• Now that I'm not worried about my milk supply, we're scheduling more and more date afternoons where it's okay for grandma to give the baby a bottle.
• Now that we're traveling well, I'm looking for more classes, activities, and opportunities to show Lily new things.
• When she's less sensitive, I try to nurse AND do something else, like scrapbook or read.  She's only let me do that a few times.  She often gets upset if I'm not paying attention to her while she's nursing.
• Decide to say YES to activities we have been saying no to, such as a birthday bonfire and a trip to the winery with the girls.

Finally More Exploring!

I have been reeling with disappointment about my lack of understanding of what raising a baby was supposed to be like.  I felt like this past month that I haven't been living.  All I've been doing is attached to a very cute baby and that I'm just an utter that is constantly on.  I have been stuck in a bed or on a couch just trying to nurse her asleep for almost 12 hours every night hoping that I can sneak away for long enough to get a shower and pack my bags for the next day.  But, this is life.  This weekend was living, even if it only lasts a short while. I have no problem spending half of every day in bed as long as there is still brunch, bonfires, and play dates every now and then.  

Baby girl is nearing 6 months, and for all but two weekends, I have been basically petrified of going out alone with her.  Lily is not a chill baby.  She has demanded almost constant nursing, attention, entertainment, and/or holding from the moment we brought her home. We are usually happy to give it, because in exchange, she has been the sweetest baby with the biggest smiles.  I love her so very much.  However, until this past weekend, there were very few times we felt we could bring Lily along "to the party" (i.e. any gathering) or where I have gone some place with her alone.  Her and I have almost always been accompanied by an extra set of hands.  On top of that, for the past two months, baby girl has not been happy at all when we've tried to get the company to come to us.  I have no idea how people who don't have a live-in grandma and a daddy do it.  I suppose it's adapt or die.

There are times when I have flash backs to my meltdown at Babies R Us a few months ago.  It was one of the few times I tried to go anywhere by myself with Lily.  I had even forgotten my wallet.  Sean had to come find and rescue me.  I was a mess.

And that was before she hit this most recent "wonder week". Excuse me, but they should have called them wonder MONTHS.  Each "week" is FOUR weeks long.  I think she's coming out of this wonder month a whole new baby.  This was the leap of relationships in which she is starting to learn the relationship between two objects.  For example, something goes in something else (which is too cool) and mommy is now getting farther away from me (which is the most horrible thing ever).  Baby girl is about to figure out that she is one little person in a very big world who can't get anywhere on her own.

On Saturday, we walked down to the parade, we went to a play date with other babies her age, and, we went to a birthday bonfire for one of our friends.  Then Sunday, Lily and I were out all day by ourselves, which is something that has never happened!  We went to brunch together, I had a chiropractor appointment, we went to pick up some secondhand clothes from another DC mom looking to part with them, we went out to the birth center to have a play date with Auntie Cortney, and then, we went to the store before heading home.

To top it all off, this morning, I had to go to the DMV to change over my tags and a whole lot of other stuff.  Lily was a rockstar.  She was so interested in the people.  She was very aware that it was a new place that she hadn't been before. We had to stand in line for 40 minutes to get a number before I could check her diaper or feed her, and she was the most chill baby.

Lily at the parade!

Playdate with Auntie Cortney!

Brunch with Mommy!

Getting Ready for Solids

Lily is really showing an interest in food.  She is so excited about watching us eat and drink different things.  For the past several weeks, she's been nursing constantly, and it was mentioned that she'd start to sleep through the night a little more once she started solids, if we fed her solids before bedtime.  I thought I would try to breastfeed her exclusively for as long as possible, but I feel like I'm dying here some days.  I was really gunning to start them this week, but she's only 5.5 months old.  She has 2.5 weeks to go before the recommended 6 months.  A recent news article on starting solids too early made us rethink jumping the gun. 

There is a lot of contradicting advice out there. It was said not to start solids before 4 months.  Doctors have been known to recommend rice cereal or other foods for combating different situations to babies younger than 4 months.  The main difference in the advice we considered on a quick-and-dirty, desperate internet search was sitting supported versus unsupported.  Babycenter.com suggested a baby was ready for solids when he/she had good head control and could sit up well while supported.  Kellymom.com said that a baby should be able to sit up well without support. 

The checklist from Kellymom.com: 

• Baby can sit up well without support.
• Baby has lost the tongue-thrust reflex and does not automatically push solids out of his mouth with his tongue.
• Baby is ready and willing to chew.
• Baby is developing a “pincer” grasp, where he picks up food or other objects between thumb and forefinger. Using the fingers and scraping the food into the palm of the hand (palmar grasp) does not substitute for pincer grasp development.
• Baby is eager to participate in mealtime and may try to grab food and put it in his mouth.

Lily is definitely NOT sitting up well without support.  She's very good with support, and she is getting better at sitting up on her own.  I have watched her start to really loose the tongue-thrust reflex, but I think this might still be there a little bit.  She is certainly experimenting with her ability to chew.  She chews on our fingers, on teethers, on clothes, and on my nipple!  She is not using her pincer grasp, but I wouldn't count her out of solids if she was working on this.  She is most certainly curious about mealtime, and she really enjoys watching us eat.  I do expect her to start trying to grab for food and put it into her mouth.  We keep hot things away from her, but is is grabbing for cups and bottles.

In reading about why it's good to wait, the reasons that jumped out at us were:

1. Possibility that her digestive tract isn't ready to handle them.  We won't know when exactly Lily's body is ready for something other than breastmilk, so the recommended 6 month marker is meant to ensure that a baby is ready. 
2. Increased potential of developing food-related allergies.  We've seen how these can affect a person, so it would be great if we could spare Lily from that experience.
3. Increased opportunities for illness once solids start.  One of the main reasons I was so gung-ho to breastfeed was to prevent illness as long as possible.  So, that's one of the reasons to delay solids now.