My Girlfriends Are Thinking Twice About Babies

I am the reason some of my girlfriends are thinking twice about having a baby.  I am the reason they are deciding already that they probably don't want to breastfeed, want to make sure baby sleeps in another room, and are determined to not be hindered by this new little person.  They see how much I am struggling.  They see how my life will never be the same.

It's a reality that I wasn't exposed to.  I heard and read how easy our lives would be with breastfeeding, cosleeping, baby wearing, etc.  Sure, these things do make our lives easier.  I would make every one of these choices again. I love my little girl, and while I am generally happy here, I did not expect to need to give up every aspect of my old life.  But, I cannot say for certain that if I knew everything I knew now that I would do it all again.  However, I do not want to imagine my life without her.  Every day with her is the best day ever--even the hardest ones. We are so lucky she chose us to be her parents.  Even on the days I wonder why I did this to myself, we still talk about how it's really fun and how we're having a blast being parents.  I don't know how we could love it so much, yet hate parts of it so much at the same time.

You see, I didn't fully understand what having a baby would mean.  I had no idea that some of them have such strong personalities from the start that it would be a struggle to do anything by myself.  A struggle to be myself.  I thought it would get better quickly in the first year, but I realize by reading stories of other moms, that this is just the beginning of a very long road.  This is how my life has changed every day:

• I remember cuddling with my husband way back before I got pregnant.  On the couch.  In the bed.  Now, we cuddle on planned dates once or twice a month.
• Once upon a time, I could do my hair.  My hot curlers, which gave my signature look (lol!), have only been touched one time since I gave birth.  It doesn't really matter, because it's up anyway, since she pulls it every chance she has.  New moms tend to cut it off as a result.
• Ooo!  Ooooo!  And, I could shave my legs.  Now, I only shave my legs because they are pretty gross or Lily is going swimming.  Last week, she spent 5 minutes stroking my leg because it was new and smooth. I knew then we had a problem.
• I remember the long showers and baths.  Now, I am in and out in 5 minutes, because I don't want to be in the tub when the baby wakes up.  In fact, I no longer shower in the morning.  I shower at night, because she's most likely to sleep longer.  Sometimes, she won't get off my boob long enough for a shower, so I sing to a fussy baby in her bouncer while I clean off.
• The girls and I used to have wine nights after work. Now, I cannot schedule anything after work.  Lily depends on me to be home to put her to bed.  Every.  Night.
• I used to be able to drink.  Now, anything more than a glass makes me very sick. 
• I used to go to adult functions.  You know, meetings, dinners, religious services.  I thought that Lily would be able to come, too.  Now, I cringe at the thought that we might have to entertain her somewhere we should be quiet or concentrate for a half hour or more.  Sean is doing these meetups every now and then, and I just pack her in the car and leave the house.  This baby doesn't give two shits about what we want to do.
• I used to schedule 6 to 10 things on my calendar on a weekend.  You know, fundraisers, lunches, religious services, community service, meetings, etc. Now, any more than two, and I know we're making a big mistake.
• I used to plan fundraisers and parties.  Now, I might RSVP to something and then have a freak out trying to get out the door.
• I used to be able to take a day and run errands.  Now, I can only make two short stops. The process of getting Lily in and out of a car seat is really hard on everyone.  In fact, I try to time car rides with her naps, which means one stop could be three hours.
• I remember when I could shop.  You know, stop and look at things, read labels, consider my options.  Now, I am lucky to find anything that resembles the thing for which I came for.  If it's not the baby fussing in the store, then I only had 3 minutes total from car to checkout to make a decision on the way to or from work.
• I used to spend two days doing homemade decorations.  Now, I know I only have 10 minutes here and 10 minutes there, so I started Lily's birthday party decorations four months in advance.  I spend all my free time doing that, but I barely have anything done.
• I used to use the computer or my smartphone to do a lot of volunteer organizing.  Now, I can't have anything electronic near her or she is highly distracted by it.  I can only use my phone only after she's in a deep sleep, and even then, I'm typing or browsing with one hand.
• Working out used to be something I had to drag my butt out of bed to do.  Now, there are 20 factors that determine whether I can or cannot workout on any given day. Her wake up time, her nap time, my energy level, whether or not I have to stop at the store for her food or my food, traffic, whether or not my mom has to go to the store, how my mom feels, etc.
• Oh, how I miss being alone in the bathroom.  Let me tell you that I can pee at home and in public restrooms while holding an infant.  Even while breastfeeding!  
• Peeing is one thing, but I used to have space to poop by myself.  I now rarely get the opportunity to have that much privacy.   Seriously.
• I used to get coffee and take a walk during one of my breaks at work.  For four months, I pumped 4 hours a day, every day.  There was no time to go to the bathroom.  No time to stop and think.  Now, I just pump for 30 minutes a day.  When the clock hits 12:30pm, 2:30pm, and 5:30pm, I have to stop, drop, and pump.
• I used to eat a fresh, hot dinner at home.  Now, I slam down a microwaved dinner at work before getting into traffic.  When I walk in the door, she wants a boob and sleep.  And, I couldn't nurse her and eat anyway.  I can't nurse her and do anything but look at her.  Everything else is too distracting.  
• I used to sleep 5 to 9 hours straight and wake up at 7am.  Now, I am constantly woken up in the middle of the night and it's been a long time since she woke up after 6am that didn't include two hours of being awake in the middle of the night.

Many of these challenges come especially because I'm a working mom.   The free moments I would have at home, I gave away to someone else.  If I could do it all over again, I would do my best to make sure that I'm in a position to stay at home for as much of the first year as possible.

From what I read, as she gets older, things will continue to change.  Some things will get easier.  Some things will get harder.  There are pockets of easy and pockets of super hard for years.  If and when they decide to have babies, maybe I can share some of the tips and tricks I've learned to make the journey a little bit easier.  I have an ace up my sleeve here and there yet.